P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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