Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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