I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
