i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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