My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
