naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
