shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
