i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
