This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
