God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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