i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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