i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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