The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
fuck your aforementioned shoe
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
