I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Randomize
