I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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