who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
