Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
