Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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