Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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