Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
