the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
