Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
