I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
