He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
