Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
