I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
