thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize