my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
