Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Too much gin, very little bucket
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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