Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
