you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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