Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
