I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
