Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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