I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
