Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's Friday. Sex?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
