He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
