yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
