Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
