i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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