I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
