U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
