Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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