you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
