My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
