my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
