I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
