this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
