It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
