K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
