I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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