at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
