I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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