Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
