Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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