Got a toothbrush?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
