he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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