Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
