Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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