True but thats because hes a fetus.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
